What's in a name...

How do you name a baby that you know you won't get to keep?

That night in the hotel room my husband and I talked and talked and cried and cried. I can't even remember everything we talked about that night, I just know that sleeping was a hard thing to do at this point. But we were both emotionally exhausted. 

I found myself in desperate need to pick a name for our sweet baby boy. And I began searching. We had already picked out 2 favorite boy names and 4 favorite girl names and the plan was to chose a name when the baby was born. Our boy names were Benjamin and Prescott. Once we received this news, however, these names did not fit at all. I felt that this baby boy's name needed to have a deeper meaning. It needed to stand for something important to us. I started to look up names that meant "strength" or "blessing" and hadn't really came up with anything that fit just right. I finally decided to try and sleep, and luckily I was able to get a few hours.

I woke up around 5:30 in the morning the next day and once I was awake the mind race was on. I couldn't stop it. My thoughts were up and down and all over the place. I seriously have to make an entire post about everything that I was thinking because I'm already amazed at how much I've processed already and how much my thoughts have changed since those first moments after getting this news. But the one thing heavy on my mind that morning was a name. I spent more time reading name list after name list and trying to find the name with the perfect meaning. 

It was finally getting to the hour that I needed to get out of bed and shower so that we could make it to our morning appointment. Before I got out of bed I thought about the name, Jude. I always liked this name. In fact, this was a name we had on our list for our 2nd son. I thought to myself, I wonder what Jude means... and so I looked it up. Jude means "praise". When I read that the first thing that popped in to my head was the song, "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. I first heard this song at a funeral for a firefighter that my husband knew a while back. I didn't know the man, but this song was sang at his funeral and it touched me to the core. It gave me chills. And every time I heard this song after that I always got chills. I love this song. I remember singing it to Sammy when he was crying. I remember singing it in my car and letting the goosebumps take over. I remember the "storms" I thought I had been in before and now, and how this was THE biggest storm of my life. Of our lives. This trumped any storm we every thought we had encountered. This was the storm that would change our lives forever. 

So I got in the shower and I tried remember the words to the song. I remembered most but not all. I decided when I got out of the shower that I needed to hear this song again. So I found it on YouTube and I stood there with wet hair, wrapped up in a towel and listened to this song.

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

As I stood there listening to this song I was completely overwhelmed with so many emotions it is hard to describe. My body was shaking just like when I first heard the news. The tears were pouring from my eyes in a way I had never felt before. It was a moment that I will never, ever forget. It was like Jesus was wrapping his arms around me and somehow I felt that I was strong enough to get through this. I felt so weak, but yet I knew I could be strong. My faith grew immensely that day that, it's even hard for me to comprehend. But I knew that the only way I was going to get through this was with my faith in the Lord. And so I prayed, I pray daily, many times a day, about everything. And still, 3 weeks in to this story, I have made it through conversations and appointments and meetings that I could never have pictured myself ever being able to sit through calmly. But just as the song says, "you heard my cry to you and you raised me up again."

After the song ended and I managed to stop crying, I went to my husband. I explained to him the meaning of the name, the song, and wanted his opinion. He loved it too. I had also been thinking of middle names and a good friend had mentioned using my sister's middle name for our sweet boy. Her middle was Lee. That is a whole other blog post, but when my sister was 17 she died due to complications from a car accident. I was only 18 at the time. Unfortunately I am no stranger to grief, but I also feel it has prepared me for what I am facing today. And so, our precious baby boy was named Jude Lee. And nothing ever seemed more perfect.

I had shared the name with my sister in law and even before I explained how we came to chose the name she was looking up the meaning. She found that St. Jude was the Patron Saint of Hope and Impossible Causes, and one of Jesus' original 12 apostles. According to the National Shrine of Saint Jude, "He preached the Gospel with great passion, often in the most difficult circumstances. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, he made profound differences in people’s lives as he offered them the Word of God." I don't think there could be a more perfect name for our son. And then she looked up the meaning of Lee, "healer". Wow. Those 2 names together seem even more profound than I ever could have imagined. I believe that our story of our sweet baby, Jude Lee, has the ability to touch many lives. And knowing that brings me great comfort. Later my sister in law was told what the definition of the word, lee was. Lee, the word, means "shelter from wind or weather". When I learned this I just thought.... our storm, our shelter. This name is too perfect. Praise God.